slagg

It was early spring, the time of year the cherries bloom. I hardly noticed, I was always too busy with my daily routine of getting up before the sun rose and getting back home after the sun fell. But, that day was different. I went home early, with a cold. My car wouldn’t start and I had no one to give me a lift at that early time. I decided to walk home in the cold; my house was not far from the office. I used to walk every day, until I had my accident. I knew, while it would hurt to walk, that I should be able to handle the trip. I was wrong. I took the shortcut through a small park; I never realized just how beautiful that park was until now. The cherry trees were perfect with their pink petals flowing all around me. It wasn’t until I was halfway along the path that I noticed that girl watching me, or was she watching the petals around me? Suddenly, I feel a pain in my chest, I know quite well that my accident is about to act up again, but it is too late for me to do anything about it, I slowly let myself collapse and faint. I wake up, not knowing how much time has passed, in the hospital, the damn hospital; I spent 4 months here just a month ago. My doctors told me my condition would never improve, but I would be able to live a normal life as long as I didn’t like running. The room feels somehow different this time. I realize there is someone else in the room, someone who is there because they choose to be, I didn’t have that in the 4 months I was here before. I look around, that girl is sitting here, half falling asleep. I wonder if she has been here the whole time. I have never met her before, I can’t recall so much as ever seeing her before today, so why is she sitting in my hospital room? I call out to her, but my voice isn’t working, I realize that my throat is very tight, I resigned myself to the fact that I would never feel like this after the accident. I thought no one would ever care about me again. I went about my life that way, going to work and going home to sleep, never socializing, because I knew that if I did I would have to tell someone about my condition. Does this girl know? Did she figure it out by sitting here since I collapsed? Why hasn’t she left? I again try to call out to her, this time a raspy, “Hello?” comes out. Her head immediately shoots up, but her eyes still show her sleepiness. She quickly gets up and walks over to me, her face is just inches from mine, I feel as though I’ve been dunked into a hot spring. She implores me, “Please don’t say a word. It wouldn’t be good for you to faint again”. I find this a rather odd response for as close as she is. I try to make out the words why are you here, but she stops me by putting just one finger on my lips. She says, “I’ll go find a doctor to tell that you are finally awake”.



Anyway, there it is, I'd like any criticisms I can get, also it'd be nice to help me come up with a title. Though it is not explicit yet, it will become explicit. I'll try to get a part done everyday.

OH MY GOD Camarilla is alive? I am happy!!

So, what is this for exactly? Just for fun? Are you looking for an edit or just criticism? A few things about it; I really like your writing (omg do I like it), but try to make paragraphs, it will help set the "flow" of the story.



"I went home early, with a cold. My car wouldn’t start and I had no one to give me a lift at that early time. I decided to walk home in the cold; my house was not far from the office."

Having two different meanings of "cold" so close together sounds a bit weird to me.

There are a couple more little bits that could be fixed, but writing doesn't need to be perfect English to be well done (only college papers do). I like the flow and feeling behind it. I hope you keep it going. Can't wait for some dirty fun

HE LIVES!!!!

Glad to see you alive and you are a good writer. I only found a few issues and Wej pointed them all out lol.

I agree that paragraphs are needed so you don't fall into the "wall of text" category. Also those sentences Wej found strange caught my attention as well. I don't think there is a much better fix than what Wej wrote unless you change the whole sentence. Once again like Wej pointed out that sentence "as long as I didn't like running" doesn't seem to fit with the context of what your saying. Are you trying to say, "...I would be able to live a normal life as long as I do not run."...? Or are you saying something different that I'm just not understanding?

Anway, good luck and I would love to see the rest.

So I am alive. I have always been absolutely terrible with paragraphs, so that wall-of-text will unfortunately continue. I will continue on with this, as I said posting another part each day. Thank you Wej for the edits. Avalon, as to what was meant by "as long as I don't like running" I meant it as a sort of joke from the doctor, but that doesn't exactly fit, so I will probably just remove it (it was supposed to point to the fact that he can't get much exercise due to his condition). As to the double cold, I think I will take your advice and rewrite that as well. Stay tuned for another part later tonight.

Where you put calmly, would soberly be a good word (I also thought about serenely)?
I decided I didn't like for 4 right next to each other so I revised that sentence like this: I left here, just a month ago, after a four month stay, seems to fit the main characters passiveness better. Though I'm not sure if I just left here, a month ago sounds better than I left here, just a month ago. They mean pretty much the same thing, but I think just a month ago is more passive.

p.s. This is really just for fun. Also, I am really looking for both, criticisms and edits.

She closes my door quietly as she walk out. I fell asleep again while she was gone; she couldn’t have been gone more than fifteen minutes. I wake up when the door to my room opens once again, there she is again, standing next to a middle-aged man, in a white lab coat, I don’t recall ever seeing him before. He introduces himself as my doctor. He has a solemn look on his face like he is about to be forced to deliver me bad news. I attempt to ask him how long I’ve been here, but I only manage to get the words, “How…been…here…?” He replies with a none-too assuring few days. I try to get out the words what is the date, but my voice just gives up da…te. Realizing what I want, the doctor spiritlessly says, “You have been here four days, don’t worry, we called your employer, or rather *Sarah* here called your employer”.
Sarah, so that’s this girl’s name, the girl that saved me. The doctor asks Sarah to leave, while we talk about my condition, but I protest by reaching for her, if she stayed with me 4 days, she deserves to hear anything he doctor might say. The doctor sighs, but agrees to let her stay. “Four days ago, you had what is called an arrhythmia. We weren’t…” I tune him out after that. Sarah is paying attention to him perfectly, I half think that she is actually understanding what he is saying… “… hypertrophic…”… Hypertroph…something, what does that even mean?, yet Sarah is nodding along like she understands every word. I decide to stare out the window the rest of the talk, it got gloomy in the four days I have been here, the usual grey clouds have rolled in again, the temperature was probably back around its normal 50 degrees. It seems that my life, just like the weather, only changes for a moment and then goes back to the dreary day-by-day.
After what seems like an hour, the doctor gets up and says with a smile, “So in other words, the less exercise you get the better, I would suggest you keep walks to less than ten minutes.” As the doctor shuts my door, I notice Sarah glaring at me.
As soon as the doctor is gone, she stammers, “Why didn’t you pay attention at all!?”
I attempt a meager reply, “I… understand, any of it”. I seemed to have regained the use of my voice, albeit, it is a quiet voice.
“What was that?! This is your life we are talking about; couldn’t you at least listen to the precautions you should take?”
“Did he talk about precautions other than no exercise?”
“Of course he did. He said you should eat healthy and get someone to watch after you, try to be alone as little as possible.”
“Oh, I am alone a lot of the time. I have no one waiting at home for me. In my last hospital visit, I had all of one visitor, who was a co-worker, who wanted help on our current project.”
“Well, maybe I can help you with that then. First off, I will stay here until you are able to go back home.”
“You really don’t have to do that.”
“Why shouldn’t I?”


And here is part two. This part is mostly informational, though I like the character interaction at the end. Please tear it apart!

Sorry, I have a Japanese test tomorrow and don't have much time to edit it. I do like the conversation but it kinda ended abruptly. I will comment a little more tomorrow. I will leave it to Avalon to help a bit this time.

I should probably mention that the conversation is not over, I just decided to stop writing at that point. I'll finish up that conversation in the next part.

So it's my job this time lol? I'll try, but Wej seems better at editing fanfiction than me so wait for his 'in-depth' critique lol.

The 2nd sentence, "I wake up when the door to my room opens once again, there she is again, standing next to a middle-aged man, in a white lab coat, I don’t recall ever seeing him before."...just seems...off. It runs slightly more smoothly (at least to me) like this..."I wake up when the door to my room opens; there she is again, standing next to a middle-aged man in a white lab coat whom I don't recall ever seeing before." I think that is the correct use of the semi-colon...

This sentence,"I try to get out the words what is the date, but..." also seems strange. I think the "what is the date" needs to be more emphasized because it all seems to mesh together. Either find a way to do emphasize it (or if Wej agrees with me he'll come up with some method) or just reword it like, "I try to ask, "what is the date?", but..." Then continue your sentence...I think your allowed to do that...yea I know I'm not the best person for this.

"The doctor asks Sarah to leave, while we talk about my condition, but I protest by reaching for her, if she stayed with me 4 days, she deserves to hear anything he doctor might say." I would separate that into 2 sentences. "The doctor asks Sarah to leave while we talk about my condition, but I protest by reaching for her. If she stayed with me 4 days, she deserves to hear anything he doctor might say."

""In my last hospital visit, I had all of one visitor, who was a co-worker, who wanted help on our current project.”" This may just be my opinion, but I think this sounds better, "In my last hospital visit, I had all of one visitor, a co-worker who wanted help on our current project.” Again...not sure if it should actually be a semicolon after "visitor" instead of a comma...I swear I used to know this stuff.

Sorry if that wasn't much help. Dammit Wej just get on here and do your stuff!!!

Avalon got most of it. Other then that, I don't see any real important mistakes. Keep it going.

Kind of dying to hear the next part.

I know you are probably busy or whatever, but you left at a cliff hanger here